??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
