I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
