im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
