At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
