A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
