I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
