I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
