i wish my penis had a tongue
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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