Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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