i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
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