Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize