Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize