Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
