she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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