It's Friday. Sex?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
