Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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