well I can't set my house on fire every night
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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