dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
