I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
