If i could tip my vagina, i would.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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