Your face is a jimmy john
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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