Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I am mentally ready for anal.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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