my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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