wanna go halves on a baby?
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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