God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
