Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize