Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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