I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
