there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
