So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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