I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
My bed smells like the plague
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
