There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
