about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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