omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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