yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
