seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
