the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
