I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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