Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
