At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
