If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Let's paint friendship bongs
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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