A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Never joke about your clitoris.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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