are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
