You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Randomize
