no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
