Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
