peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
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