My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
