i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
