it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize