maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
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