No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
