Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
