If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize
