there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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