Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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