If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
