What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
