We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
