you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
