a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
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