Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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