...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
did i just pee glitter
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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