probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
