a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
