She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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