My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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