i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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