Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
