when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
